porn wars
by kyleisgod
Summary: Cartman and Wendy are debating pornography and all of their friends are caught in the middle. Will the porn war ruin lives and relationships or have sexy results? Het and slash pairings. Multiple pairings. Contains language, sex, and booze.
1. discovery

Author's Notes: I'm back! Not that anyone missed me. Let me say right now that this story will be mutli-chaptered, so please nobody ask me in reviews if there will be more, or "moar" as you kids like to say. This fic features straight and gay pairings.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.

"Where the hell are my pants?"

A naked Eric Cartman would normally be considered a disgusting visual image to those who knew him, but not to Wendy Testaburger. Though Cartman had gotten fatter and meaner with age, he'd also become even more charming. Wendy saw beauty in Cartman. A beauty that by her own admission was buried far, far, _far_ down inside the fat teen's black heart, but by God, it was there somewhere. Despite Cartman's numerous faults as a human being, Wendy liked him. She was happy to say that Cartman liked her too, also despite her flaws.

Although Cartman himself wasn't disgusting to Wendy, his bedroom could definitely use some work. Clothes, pizza boxes and beer cans littered the floor. A garbage can in the corner overflowed with trash. The only reason Wendy had even dared to set foot into the bedroom was because Cartman had sprayed a large abundance of air fresheners.

"Your room's filthy. You shouldn't be able to misplace your pants just by taking them off." Wendy said.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Must you criticize how I live right after sex? Just help me find my pants goddammit."

"Love you too" Wendy said sarcastically.

A pair of extra large brown khaki pants hit Cartman in the face a second later, followed by a series of other clothing articles he hadn't even requested to locate.

"That's fine. You want to clean my room for me, be my guest."

Cartman dropped the clothes he didn't need back onto the floor, placed his pants back on and laid down on his bed. He rested his hands behind his head and sighed contently. For the second time today Cartman was letting a girl do all the work.

"I'm not your housewife. I'm cleaning because _I _need to find clothes too."

"But you look so hot naked," Cartman said, whining slightly.

"You already got me into bed. You can stop kissing my ass now," Wendy said.

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

Wendy successfully located her clothes and reapplied them. She reached underneath the mattress for the final piece of the puzzle: her shoes. Once again she pulled back a few extra items that her boyfriend haphazardly shoved under his bed in order to claim that his living quarters was clean. This time, Wendy regretted her desire for better organization. One of the miscellaneous items Wendy retrieved caused her to let out a surprised gasp. Wendy's body tensed as the realization settled in. Her stomach knotted up and her heart pumped increasingly boiling blood. Slowly but surely, Wendy felt herself becoming filled with simultaneous emotions.

And unfortunately for Cartman, all of them were negative.

"Eric? What is _this_?"

Cartman's faced paled in horror when he saw the item his girlfriend was holding. His hand found the back of his neck. He rubbed it nervously as he looked around his room, failing to even make eye contact with the girl he'd just been inside of.

"Um...It appears to be a movie."

Wendy huffed. "What _kind_ of movie, smart ass?"

"A DVD."

Wendy's free hand gripped one of the bed's large pillows. She forcibly placed it over Cartman's face, beginning the suffocation process. She straddled Cartman's waist to prevent him from moving. His muscles, which were buried underneath his chubby frame, did nothing to help him potentially overpower her.

"What _kind_ of DVD?" Wendy asked. She released the pillow following the question, giving Cartman a chance to answer. For his sake, she hoped he'd answer honestly and stop screwing around. Cartman gasped for air.

"Jesus Christ! It's a porno okay?"

Cartman shuddered following the confession. This would surely mean his nuts, but still panting for breath, he realized he was damned either way. Wendy was obviously in no mood for his usual games. Wendy pressed the DVD cover art against Cartman's face as if he were a misbehaving dog having his nose rubbed into his own filth.

"You _watch_ this stuff?"

"I _used_ to. Before we were dating." Cartman held up his hands outwardly, searching for peace. "C-come on. What single guy doesn't look at porn, right?"

Wendy's temper stilled but didn't vanish completely. "Fine. Well you aren't single anymore, so I guess you won't care if I throw this away."

Cartman's eyebrows arched. "Throw it away? Hell yes I'd mind that. That's my favorite porno."

"_What_?"

"Oops." Cartman said under his breath.

"You _just said_ you didn't watch it anymore!"

Cartman crossed his arms over his chest. "No, I said I used to watch it before we were dating. I never said I _stopped_ after that."

"You implied it."

"Yes I did. You know why? Because I was _trying_ to avoid a fight! But if you're so eager to be a bitch and ruin our nice afternoon together then go right ahead Wendy."

"_Fine, I will_!"

Wendy removed the DVD from its protective case. She stood up, put on her shoes, and stomped away from her boyfriend. Cartman's face developed an even more horrified expression on it, which he didn't think was possible at the moment. He called out after Wendy, but she wasn't listening.

"Wendy? What the hell are you doing? Put the disc down, ho!"

Cartman followed behind his girlfriend as she marched down the stairs into the living room. Wendy opened up the living room's window and hurled the DVD like a Frisbee into the outside world. It landed against the street's dirty pavement, which was also equally hot in the summer's noon day sun. If that wasn't enough to harm the disc, the car that sped over it a second later surely was. Cartman's jaw dropped open. His eyes bugged out in disbelief. He gasped for breath again, this time out of shock and not lack of oxygen. Wendy triumphantly placed her hands on her hips and smirked. Cartman looked wordlessly between the girl and his now useless pornography.

"AY! Wendy what the _hell_? That was my property you just destroyed."

"I don't care! Why do you still need porn when you have _me_?"

"It's just something to get me off when you aren't around or on your period. Which apparently is right now."

"Shut up you sexist bastard! Is that _really_ what you like? Some bleach-blond with fake breasts who, judging by this cover, likes having sex with multiple guys? _None_ of whom look like _you_ by the way."

"So what, are you saying I'm ugly?"

"Are _you_ saying I'm not as good-looking as some porn slut?"

Wendy's rampage continued. She hurled the DVD case at Cartman's head, but he managed to duck it.

"Stop breaking my stuff, bitch!"

"Make me!" Wendy said challengingly.

Cartman scoffed. "You _know_ I can't hit a chick. I'll go to jail for spousal abuse or something."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Bullshit. You just know I'll kick your ass again like in fourth grade."

It was true. Cartman never did do well in battles against the opposite sex. Between Stan Marsh's sister Shelly in third grade and Wendy in fourth, Cartman was 0-2 against girls. His fight statistics against boys were even less impressive.

"You mean to tell me you've _never_ watched porn?" Cartman said.

"For your information, I find it disgusting. The women in those films are degraded for the enjoyment of perverts like you."

"Mm, yeah that's hot," Cartman said with as much insincere sincerity in his voice as he could manage. He didn't actually mean his words. He could give two shits about women's rights, but he knew he could get under his feminist girlfriend's skin through such comments even if they were sarcastic in nature.

Wendy glared. "I know what you're trying to do."

Cartman closed his eyes, supposedly imagining his words as he spoke them. "All those oppressed women getting paid small amounts of money to be spooged and peed on by dominant men. All those girls forced to use their bodies and get diseases because they never got a real education. Mmm, nice. Now I wanna jack off to them even more."

Despite her best efforts not to give her boyfriend the satisfaction, Wendy flared up. Just as Cartman had predicted. Unpredictably, she kneed Cartman right in his groin. Cartman fell to the floor while Wendy turned on her heels and stomped out the front door.

"Let's see you try to jack it now."

When Cartman looked up from the ground, all he could see was Wendy slamming the door through his watery eyes. It really -had- meant his nuts.

And it wasn't even over yet.

To Be Continued


	2. friendly debate

Unlike Bebe, Wendy was perfectly capable of ignoring the cell phone's incessant ringing. In fact, she liked it. Cartman's personalized ring tone was like music to her ears. It symbolized Cartman's desperation. His anger. His desire for _her_ instead of some porn girl, which in Wendy's opinion he should have thought more about before keeping his porn stash.

The only thing missing from the equation was actual remorse. Once Cartman possessed that, perhaps Wendy would speak with him again. Unfortunately, that meant that it was going to be a very long wait. Cartman didn't feel bad for keeping porn and some would argue he was right to believe he'd done nothing wrong. He and Wendy had made it two weeks without speaking, but Cartman was starting to crack first.

"You're so _stubborn_!" Bebe said, clutching her ears to drown out the sound. "Just answer your damn phone!"

Wendy frowned. "Sorry. He left a message this time. He won't call back."

"He'd better not."

The girls returned to enjoying cups of coffee in the kitchenette of Bebe's apartment. Fully-stuffed shopping bags surrounded them on the floor. After taking a few sips of java Bebe couldn't help but pose a question to her girlfriend.

"What's the big deal anyway?"

"Bebe! How can you say that? How would you feel if _your_ boyfriend looked at porn?"

"He does. I don't care."

Wendy paused, her cup inches from her lips. "He does?"

"Yeah. In fact we watch it together. It's _great_! It makes us horny and we take it out on each other."

Wendy wasn't surprised by Bebe's behavior. Sometimes she wondered why they were friends. They didn't share many moral values. Perhaps it's true what they say about opposites attracting. In a platonic sense of course.

"Well, I don't think that way. I seriously doubt that intentionally looking at other people is going to bring me closer to somebody."

Bebe shrugged. "You'd be surprised."

"What about the exploitation of women? Women in pornography films are degraded and humiliated in front of the world. Those girls are all someone's mom or daughter or wife. It's horrible!"

"But some girls _choose_ to go into porn. It's legal, it's easy and it means you're hot."

"No one _chooses_ to go into porn. They're either forced into it or they go into it because they have no other options in life. Then as soon as the actress' looks fade they're thrown away."

"Nuh-uh. Then they just do fetish porns like fat girls or old people sex."

Wendy sighed. She took another sip of coffee. "Well be that as it may, the point is _I_ don't like it. A good boyfriend should respect my wishes and selflessly throw away his porn if I want him to. Cartman's being a selfish jerk. As usual. He wants me _and_ his precious porn and he's not getting both."

Bebe stood up from her chair. She brought her now empty coffee mug over to the sink to wash it. "All I know is I'm not about to make Kenny give up porno. If he does I'd have to be fair and give up mine too. Screw that."

"Fine! Since you and Cartman love porn so much why don't _you_ go fuck him?" Wendy said angrily.

"Wendy calm down. Best friends are allowed to have different viewpoints. Besides, I'd never fuck Cartman. I still can't believe that you do. No offense."

Wendy placed her face into her hands. Her long black hair fell down over her eyes and shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm just upset. I just wish I was good enough for him, you know?"

"What are you talking about? You're more than good enough for him. He's fat and racist and mean. He's lucky you even look at him."

"You know what I mean."

Bebe returned to the table and picked up Wendy's empty cup. She returned to the sink and began washing it next. "Wendy, you're a great catch. It's not your fault men are horny bastards. If you really feel so strongly about this then you need to talk to Cartman about it."

"Ha. Like he'll listen?"

"So _make_ him listen. You're smart. If porn's so bad, show him why."

Wendy thought for only a moment before smirking. Bebe looked her best friend in the eyes with much concern. What idea had she just spawned in the mind of a vengeful woman?

"Thank you Bebe. I know what I have to do now. I'll see you at school."

Wendy stood up from the table, retrieved her shopping bags and exited the apartment, eager to begin her master plan.

"What did I just do?" a worried Bebe said.

To Be Continued


	3. midnight madness

Author's note: Wow, this chapter is LONG! The last chapter was short though, so I guess it balances things out. I honestly didn't plan for this chapter to be so long. Perhaps it's my love of the Kyle/Wendy pairing that made me keep them interacting so much? Whatever the case, I hope you all like this chapter and this story as it continues. Please remember to read and review.

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A light but noticeable knocking awoke Kyle Broflovski from his previously sound sleep. He groaned as his half-closed eyes looked over to his clock. It was Midnight. Another insistent tap against the glass forced Kyle to sit up in bed. "All right! Christ."

Kyle got out of bed. Too tired to recall what he'd worn to sleep that evening, Kyle quickly looked himself over in his bedroom's mirror to make sure he was dressed appropriately for unexpected company. Underwear and shirt? Check. Finally, Kyle opened the window, but he didn't bother asking who was on the other side waking him so late. Kyle not only expected his best friend to speak up, but truth be told, he was kind of hoping for it.

In their youth Kyle and Stan Marsh snuck over to each other's houses for late-night sleepovers all the time. Once teenagers, that tradition died. The boys discovered that such acts at their new ages labeled them homosexuals. Neither Stan nor Kyle was a homophobe by any means, but they had high school reputations to uphold. Nonetheless, both boys privately missed the lost tradition. Kyle's hope that his best friend was the only person with the balls enough to wake him up at Midnight was soon dashed.

"Stan?" Kyle asked somewhat hopefully through the darkness.

"No Kyle. It's me."

"Wendy?" Kyle blinked, his eyes adjusting to the dark. "Dude, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry to come over so late. Can I come in? It's really important."

Kyle frowned, mostly because it wasn't Stan at his window. "I guess. Come around the front."

Kyle carefully made his way through the quiet house. He crept past his sleeping parents' and brother's bedroom, safely entered the living room, and successfully unlocked the front door for the girl. Wendy hurriedly entered the house and politely closed the door behind her. She was covered by a long black trench coat despite the weather outside not calling for such protective attire. Kyle found this somewhat curious but didn't press the issue. He was too tired to really care that much.

"Thank you." Wendy said.

"Now what's this about? I'm tired." Kyle said irritably.

A blush formed on Wendy's cheeks. She broke her eye contact with Kyle; choosing instead to focus on the carpeted floor. "It's...hard to explain."

"Then explain it tomorrow."

"No! Kyle this is _really_ private. That's why I came at Midnight when everyone's asleep. This way there are no witnesses around to see or hear me."

Kyle's eyebrows arched. His mind focused, growing concerned. "It's _that_ serious?"

"Yes."

"Well, what is it?"

Wendy took a deep breath. Embarrassing or not, she had to get this out. She was already in Kyle's house. All she needed now was his cooperation and she could put this awkward situation behind her. There was no turning back now.

"The short answer is, I need you to do me a favor," she said.

"What?"

Wendy choked on her own words; stammering as she attempted to speak them. This was a difficult concept to pitch. Although Wendy had confidence in her persuasion abilities, this was unchartered territory for her to say the least. Unable to speak her proposal out loud, Wendy decided to simply open up her trench coat instead. She revealed to Kyle a small, deep red tank top that showed both healthy cleavage and a flat stomach along with a short black miniskirt. Kyle's eyes went wide with surprise, and they were about to grow even larger.

"Kyle, I need you to shoot a porno with me."

"..._What_?"

"Cartman's being an asshole and-"

"What else is new?" Kyle said.

The interrupting sarcastic remark made Wendy glare slightly at the redhead. Cartman may have been a conniving, manipulative, racist, porn-addicted pervert asshole, but he was _still_ Wendy's boyfriend. She didn't appreciate people other than herself talking badly about the one she loved. Wendy's glare faded soon enough. She remembered quickly that she needed Kyle's help right now and that Cartman was currently on her shit list. Why defend a jerk to a guy she needed at the moment? Instead, she continued with her statement.

"Cartman's being an asshole and I need to put him in his place. The only way he'll learn a lesson is to see the downside of what he's defending. In this case, it's pornography. If he has something bad happen to him because of porn, like watching me with someone else, he'll learn by personal example that it's wrong to enjoy such a thing."

Kyle blinked; his brain still computing the information. It was true that Cartman only cared about something when it affected him directly. Still, smart as he was, Kyle couldn't yet wrap his brain around this concept. Besides that, would helping Wendy mean that Kyle was taking an anti-porn position as well? If so, he should cut off his balls and hand them over right now.

"Wendy, I'm all for Cartman getting humbled, but how the _hell_ does that equate to you and I shooting porn?"

"You're Cartman's worst enemy. If you and I make a video, Cartman can _finally_ see what I've been trying to convey to him. It'll drive the point home a lot harder, if you'll pardon the pun."

"I don't know...."

"Well can we at least go to your room and talk about this?"

"Um, sure." Kyle had dealt with and discussed stranger things. Surely he could get through this talk as well.

The teens headed upstairs, both moving just as slowly and quietly as Kyle had before. Kyle gently closed his bedroom door and took a seat on the chair near his computer desk. Wendy situated herself near the window, just in case someone came inside and she needed to make a daring escape. Being in Kyle's room at Midnight dressed like a street walker sent the kind of message that Wendy suspected wouldn't get her invited to the Broflovski household for Thanksgiving.

"Isn't there somebody else you could get for this?" Kyle asked.

"Most likely; Men are pigs. I'm sure many of them would jump at the chance to do this with me. But none of them would have the impact that _you_ would."

Kyle placed his head into his hands, running his fingers through his red curls. "Can I think about it?"

"No. I'm sorry Kyle but I need an answer tonight."

"Why? Look I know this is embarrassing, but you shouldn't rush into any-"

"I want to get this over with. I'm an opponent of porn _and_ I'm in a relationship. The guilt's already overwhelming me, so I need to do this now before it makes me back out. I'm only doing this so that _maybe_ Cartman will fully commit to me."

"Why would you want that? Why would _anyone_ want that? If Cartman's being such a dick, just break up with him."

Wendy took a seat on Kyle's bed. "You don't understand. Kyle, I'm the type of person who plans out everything. I've set goals for myself. As crazy as it may sound to you, I want Cartman to be a part of my long-term future. But I don't want to spend my life worrying if the father of my eventual children is out screwing some woman from _Backdoor Sluts Nine_."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Cartman's not going to screw any porn stars, Wendy. Not even in his dreams."

"Don't be so sure about that. He managed to get me, didn't he?"

Reluctantly, Kyle went silent. Wendy sighed and closed her eyes. Kyle's inability to make a counterargument confirmed her worst fears. Cartman was, personality-wise, able to get anyone he wanted if he truly worked hard enough at it. To make matters worse, despite Wendy's gaining a point in the debate, Kyle continued to resist her offer.

"Can't this mess up your future though? I mean, what if this tape gets out? You couldn't ever go into politics or something like that."

"Trust me; I've already planned ahead for that. If you do this with me I guarantee you our identities will be well-protected."

Kyle finally lifted his head. He looked Wendy in the eyes, and the girl's chocolate orbs really did appear to be desperate. Kyle's gaze traveled downward. He looked her body up and down before finally shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I can't do it."

"_WHAT_?"

"Shh!" Kyle demanded, not wanting Wendy to wake his parents.

"I come over here in the middle of the night dressed like the biggest slut possible while still wearing clothes. I throw myself at you – I practically _beg_ you to do this with me - and you say _no_? Do you have _any_ idea how _humiliating_ this is?" Wendy said through gritted teeth; her voice a low, angry whisper.

"Look, I'm just not the right guy for this."

"You're the _perfect_ guy for this or I wouldn't have asked you."

"I'm not doing it Wendy. I'm sorry okay? Now please, go home."

"No. This isn't over until I say it's over. I didn't come all this way to be rejected."

Kyle's eyebrows furrowed. He could understand Wendy being upset, but enough was enough. She should be willing to take no for an answer, especially at fucking Midnight.

"I said get out, Wendy!"

"No!"

Kyle stood up from the chair. Wendy stood up from the bed. The two met each other nose to nose in the center of the bedroom, staring one another down with equal amounts of anger filling their narrowed eyes. Neither one blinked or backed down. It was like looking into a hate-filled mirror.

"What's wrong Kyle? Afraid I'll laugh at you for your tiny penis?"

"You're confusing me with your fat-ass boyfriend. _My_ penis is a perfectly good size."

"Then what's the problem? You find me unattractive, is _that_ it?"

"What does it matter what the _reason_ is? The _answer_ remains the same!"

"I want to know! If I'm walking away humiliated I deserve to know why! You think I'm ugly don't you? Well _you're_ no prize yourself, asshole! I'll have you know that a lot of guys would like to be in your position. A _lot_ of guys think I'm hot!"

"Well maybe _I don't think any girls are hot_! _Did you ever think of that_?"

Awkward silence filled the room. Wendy's gaze was the first to finally break away; her temper reluctantly simmering down as she pieced together what the boy's confession meant. Kyle's anger died too; being replaced by a feeling of discomfort once he realized what he'd just angrily blurted out. Kyle looked away from Wendy. Could he trust her? They'd never truly been friends. Then again, they'd never truly been enemies either. Wendy _was_ trusting Kyle with her video plans. Surely he could give her some dirt in return and be safe, right? He decided to take the gamble. It was about time someone else be aware of his true self. Closing his eyes, Kyle elaborated on his previous statement.

"I'm gay."

Wendy's mouth went round in surprise. "Oh."

"Yeah. So considering that, you'd be better off getting someone else for this. Someone who could actually enjoy himself shooting that kind of video."

Wendy placed a hand on Kyle's shoulder, causing him to open his eyes. Her touch was soft and comforting; her smile even more so. It silently informed Kyle that she wasn't judging him. That she supported his lifestyle. As a result, Kyle finally remembered to breathe. It felt good to come out.

"Is that what you're worried about? Kyle, you don't need to actually enjoy it. God knows I won't enjoy pretending to cheat on Cartman either."

Wendy's hand moved away as Kyle cocked his head to the side. "Pretending?"

Wendy laughed ever so slightly "Yes Kyle, you just have to act. What, did you think those movies were real? Adult film actors are just that: actors. I'm sure you'd be able to become stimulated. I mean, the heat and friction alone-"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "We're discussing porn scientifically now? God, we really _are_ nerds."

"Speak for yourself," Wendy joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Seriously Kyle, I'm sure you can fake your way through this. Come on. If no one else knows you're into men then you're already doing a great job playing a straight guy."

Kyle bit his bottom lip in contemplation. "Maybe….But what about you?"

Wendy shrugged her shoulders. "It's fine. It's not the first orgasm I'll have had to fake."

Kyle grinned. "Really? Can we mention that in the movie? That'd _kill_ Cartman."

Wendy's eyes brightened. A smile graced her face once again. "Does that mean you'll do it?"

Kyle didn't answer, but apparently he was warming up to the idea without even realizing it. Revenge on Cartman for everything he'd pulled over the years _would_ be pretty sweet.

"You'd seriously go through all this just to prove a point to Cartman?"

"I know it's crazy, but love makes you do crazy things. What can I say? I want Cartman all to myself. Mind, body and soul."

"Cartman doesn't _have_ a soul."

Score one point for Kyle.

Wendy sighed. "It's getting late and I don't want to think about this anymore. Last chance; Are you in or out, Kyle?"

Truthfully, Kyle could relate to Wendy. Not when it came to loving Cartman, but when it came to planning out one's life. Kyle was also the type of person to formulate long-term plans, and he understood wanting your love interest to be part of them. In the future he currently had mapped out for himself Kyle would come out to more and more people, starting with Stan. Kyle had long suspected Stan of being gay. If that proved to be true, Stan wouldn't abandon Kyle after he dropped the gay bombshell. Selfishly, Kyle also hoped that Stan would not only be gay, but that he'd be gay for Kyle. Kyle already knew he was attracted to Stan. No doubt about it. In his mind, if all went as planned, they would start dating. They'd move in together while attending college and get married if it was still legal in South Park by then a few years after that. Then, just like some very gay fairy tale, they'd live happily ever after. If Wendy envisioned a similar future, even if it was Eric Cartman, who was he to deny her attempt at happiness?

"I'll help you."

Wendy smiled. "Really?"

"Yeah. "

Kyle bit his lip. Was he really going to go through with this? Sweet Moses, his mother would have a heart attack if she ever found out. Then again, she'd have one anyway if she caught Wendy in Kyle's room. Kyle reasoned that he could always calm Sheila's fears in such a scenario by coming out of the closet.

No, that definitely wouldn't help.

"What about condoms? And a camera?"

Wendy removed her purse from over her shoulder. She unzipped the small bag and removed a handheld camera. "I've got the camera, and we don't need condoms because we aren't actually going to do it."

Kyle sighed. He looked down at himself, still clad in only his boxers and a shirt, and knew he couldn't appear that way on camera.

"All right, let's do this thing. Just let me get in the mood first."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I just need some gay porn to look at."

To Be Continued


	4. cartman's surprise

Author's note: I was originally going to make this chapter longer, but I feel I've already made my readers wait long enough for an update of this story. So, I give you this chapter. Sorry for the cliffhanger at the end. Please remember to read and review.

/

Wendy Testaburger was a cruel, vindictive bitch; and that was partially what Eric Cartman liked about her. By the end of this day however Wendy was sure Cartman would no longer appreciate her mean streak. Hopefully though once all the dust settled and the screaming stopped, the painful point would finally sink in. Hopefully, Cartman would be all Wendy's after today.

Wendy approached Cartman's locker with a smile on her face and a wrapped package in her hands. Cartman noticed her walking toward him. He pretended to sift through his locker for a book instead of acknowledging her presence. 'Typical. Stubborn male asshole,' Wendy thought, which was immediately followed by the thought 'I hope this works. I love him so much.'

"Eric?"

Cartman continued digging around his locker for nothing in particular. A smile formed on his lips. He'd heard his girlfriend's footsteps stop before she'd even spoken his name but he wasn't going to seem too eager to see her again just yet. Wendy's eyebrows furrowed behind Cartman's back. She mentally counted to ten and suppressed her anger. She knew she needed to kiss a little ass for this plan to work, and Cartman certainly had quite the huge ass to kiss.

"Eric," Wendy said again. "I thought about it, and you're right."

Cartman smirked. He turned around, finally stopping the charade of Wendy's non-existence. "I knew you'd see the light eventually."

"Yes. I was such a fool. And to make it up to you, I got you a present."

"Oh really? Is that it?" Cartman asked in an already knowing, gloating tone while pointing to the wrapped gift.

"Nothing gets by you," Wendy said, sarcastically patronizing her boyfriend. "There's just one problem. It's a very, _very _special gift."

Cartman blinked. "Huh? How the hell is that a problem?" The greedy fat boy snatched the package from his lover's hands. He shook it in attempt to discover its contents.

Wendy explained. "It's a DVD. I made it especially for you, so I don't want anyone else getting hold of it. I even included a ton of anti-piracy software so that it can't be uploaded to the internet or duplicated in any way. I set it up so that the software takes effect as soon as you put the disc in. You can only watch it on your computer, and I even set it up so that you can only watch it once. I know that's a lot of strings attached, but trust me, it's worth it."

Cartman cocked his head to the side in confusion. "I see. Anything else?"

"Yes. You have to watch it alone. I can't tell you why without giving away the surprise, but believe me you'll want to be alone when you see this, so make sure things are perfect before you start viewing."

Cartman looked to the gift and then back to Wendy uncertainly. "You just told me you gave me a mysterious computer disc with a ton of special software on it. You actually expect me to put this…thing in mah computer?"

"Yes I do."

"And just why the hell would I take that chance, ho?"

"Because fat ass, if I were trying to mess with your computer I obviously wouldn't _tell_ you what the disc comes with. It won't do any damage to your system. It just prevents you from doing anything with the content. I told you that if you'd fucking listen for once."

Cartman blinked. "It's seriously _that_ important and top secret?"

Wendy smiled. He was buying it. "Yes, Eric, and it's for your eyes only. Think about it. The present's so awesome you'll only be able to watch it once. Aren't you at least a little curious to see it?" Wendy's soft lips curved into a playful pout.

Admittedly, Cartman _was_ curious. But was that all a part of Wendy's plan?

"Wendy, seriously, what are you trying to pull?"

The girl's flirtatious pout vanished, being replaced once again by angry eyebrows that Cartman could now see and an opened mouth which revealed perfectly white but tightly clenched teeth. "I'm trying to make up with you! There's nothing to 'get' here, Cartman! I made you a completely selfish present and if you'd stop being paranoid for five seconds maybe you could actually go enjoy it! If you're that worried about it I'll gladly take it back right now."

An irritated Wendy reached for the wrapped box. Cartman instinctively responded by clutching the item to his large chest. "No!" Maybe it _was_ a trap, but Cartman couldn't take that chance. Not if by some chance the gift really was as amazing as Wendy said. Wendy's smile returned to her face. This time, it was more sincere. That was precisely the reaction she had been hoping for. Curiosity would soon kill the cat.

"Okay then. Enjoy."

She leaned in and kissed Cartman's cheek instead of snatching back her 'gift.' Wendy gave Cartman a wink before turning and walking away. The bell sounded for class but Cartman could care less. He raced for the nearest exit. He wanted to get home and watch that damn DVD.

/

Wendy really _did_ have all kinds of protection on the disc. Alkatraz, CD-Cops, X-Protect, CDSHiELD, CrypKey, Don't Bother Burn, HexaLock, LaserLock, ProtectCD, Roxxe, SafeDisc, SecuROM, SmarteCD, StarForce and Tages, just to name a few. The activated software relentlessly popped up on Cartman's computer screen one after another before Cartman could even make a move beyond the disc's initial insertion. "Damn, dude," Cartman said to himself. He was half-annoyed and half-impressed with the level of protection. The content truly had to be something epic for Wendy to go through so much trouble.

Finally, Cartman was able to navigate to the file named "Eric's surprise." A video loaded and began to play. Cartman maximized the file to fit his full computer screen. Wendy appeared, standing before what appeared to be a low-budget camera. She was back in her trench coat from that fateful evening at the Broflovski house.

"Hello Eric. So, you like porn, do you?"

"Yeah" Cartman replied, as if Wendy could actually hear him on the other side of her pre-recorded video.

"Would you like to see some now? Would you like to see me naked?"

Cartman gasped. His eyes widened. "…Yeah!"

Wendy slowly opened up her trench coat, revealing her sexy outfit to the camera. The attire's sex appeal was useless on a homosexual Kyle, but Wendy knew for a fact that she would have no difficulty stimulating Cartman. The fat boy gasped as Wendy both revealed the outfit and began removing it. She flashed her chest to the camera and then lowered her skirt, showing off her underwear. Wendy wasn't the slutty type by nature. That made the rare occasions when she acted like one all the more arousing.

"Oh my god! Oh what a kewl girlfriend I have! Yes!"

Cartman stood up from his computer chair and partook in a brief dance of happiness. He immediately sat back down and removed his pants. This was going to be hot. On-screen, Wendy closed her trench coat. She began removing her clothing piece by piece underneath of the long, covering cloth. She let the articles of skimpy clothing drop to the floor bit by bit, ending with her bra and underwear. "God dammit" Cartman grumbled. She was being a tease again. Also, unbeknownst to Cartman, she was keeping Kyle from seeing her body in its raw form. He may have been gay, but she wasn't about to expose herself to another man. She was Cartman's woman and therefore he was the only one worthy of seeing her in such a state. On this night however, Wendy was a dirty porn whore.

Wendy gave the camera a small push, revealing more of her surroundings. The video wasn't being filmed in her bedroom, but the walls were still all too familiar. Cartman's jaw hit the floor. That was Kyle's room. That was Kyle's bed she was moving toward. And that was Kyle, already laying on the aforementioned bed, shirtless, with a grin plastered on his face.

"…WHAT THE _FUCK_?"

Wendy crawled onto the bed and then under the covers. Her trench coat finally came off. She casually tossed it to the floor. She looked directly at the camera once again. Kyle did the same.

"You're right Cartman; there's nothing wrong with porn," Wendy confessed. "So enjoy your girlfriend taking part in your biggest fantasy."

Cartman's crotch ached. He'd gone from totally sexually excited to feeling as though he'd just been kicked square in the balls in a matter of seconds. Even worse: despite her betrayal, Wendy was undeniably sexy as all hell, leaving part of Cartman still feeling horny. Underneath the covers, the bodies on-screen moved around. Kyle got on top of Wendy.

"No!" Cartman protested. "Dammit Kahl, you're gonna get your Jew germs on her! Don't you touch her!"

His words mean nothing. The bodies began to move. The teens on camera started to moan. Cartman began to fume.

Then, he made a phone call.

To Be Continued


	5. the response

Author's note: I hadn't planned for the next chapter to take this long to finish. I also hadn't planned to end the chapter here originally, but I'd rather get something out there sooner and leave my readers wanting more. I hope you'll all stick with this story. As you can hopefully see after reading this chapter, the most exciting is yet to come. Please read and review? Thanks.

/

As the cellular phone rang in his ear, Cartman continued watching the pornographic images on his computer's screen. He didn't want to. The sight of his girlfriend grinding under the covers with a dirty Jew rat made Cartman want to gouge his eyes out. Yet, he just couldn't will himself to look away. It was like staring at a car crash. Except normally when Cartman saw a car wreck he was amused. This time he was just angry.

Okay, not just angry. _Horny_! Cartman felt fucking horny. He hated admitting that fact, even to himself, but the hard bulge pressing uncomfortably against his pants made it impossible to deny. In Cartman's opinion Wendy was still hot as hell no matter what, or who, she was doing. He listened intently as she moaned another man's name. His mouth drooled as Wendy's succulent breasts bounced up and down; her hands gripping Kyle's afro, making the redhead look her dead in the eyes in a moment of what Cartman assumed was intimacy. Wendy whipped her long, silky hair from side to side in apparent pleasure, while Cartman's face grew red from both rising rage and flushing cheeks. Slowly, reluctantly, Cartman's eyes started to water. His lover was tainting herself forever. She was ruining their relationship. It was a tragedy. A sexy tragedy.

Cartman didn't have time to cry. The cell phone's ringing ceased. The phone made a clicking sound. The person on the other line finally answered.

"Dude, leave me alone. I'm sick."

"You're going to be sick as hell when you see _this_! Get over to my house _right now_!"

"Why?"

"Because you're good with computers and everyone else is in school right now. Goddammit this is important!"

The voice sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Good. Hurry up, Stan!"

/

Stan Marsh entered Eric Cartman's bedroom a few minutes later. His eyes were half-closed. He was holding a tissue against his face, coughing into it and using it to catch the snot that dripped out of his nose. Cartman saw none of it. The fat boy didn't even say hello. He was still too fixated on the computer. Stan cursed himself for once again listening to one of Cartman's demands.

"All right Cartman. What the hell's so important that you had to get me out of…."

Shock quickly consumed Stan's face just as it had done Cartman's before. Words no longer able to escape his dropped jaw, Stan pointed to the computer's monitor. Was he seeing what he thought he was seeing, or was the current illness creating mirages in Stan's mind? Cartman stood up from his computer chair, his own eyes remaining focused on Kyle and Wendy.

"Sit down. I need you to make me a copy of this. Upload it online. Do _something_. Hurry up. It's only going to play once."

"…"

Stan captained the seat, still unable to believe what he was viewing. He didn't touch the computer, choosing instead to merely get a closer look at things. Cartman stood at Stan's side, waiting for the other boy to make a move. When nothing happened, he waved a hand in front of Stan's face.

"Stan? Can you hear me?"

"Is…Is that….?"

Cartman sighed. "Yes. Kahl and Wendy made a porno together. A porno I need a copy of," he reiterated.

"Isn't _that_ your copy? You didn't…film this, did you?"

"No! Wendy gave it to me to piss me off. We got into this whole big fight about porn and…" Cartman observed the clock on the video's length counting down. "Look I don't have time to go into it."

Stan frowned. "Dude…Not cool. Since when has Kyle been into Wendy?"

"How the hell should I know? Now can you make me a copy or not?"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. What are you going to do with it?"

"Ruin their lives of course," Cartman said casually.

Stan blinked, the frown on his face growing longer. "How could they do something like this? This doesn't seem like them. When Wendy was _my_ girlfriend we never did anything crazy like that. And Kyle…I didn't even think Kyle liked _girls_ let alone _Wendy_."

"Well clearly you thought _wrong_!" Cartman said, pointing an accusing finger toward the screen. "Look Stan you can share your gay little feelings with Kahl for not telling you about this later. Right now we have to move it!"

This was obviously very important to Cartman. He didn't even take the time to slam Kyle with a gay joke following Stan's comment about being suspicious that the Jew didn't like women. It was such an easy setup too.

"I can't." Stan finally said.

"_What_?"

"I can't help you, Cartman. Even if I wanted to I can already tell you the security on here's way too strong. Besides, I don't _want_ to help you blackmail Wendy and Kyle. Even if I'm upset with him right now, Kyle's still my best friend and Wendy's still my friend. And you're…well, not."

Cartman rolled his eyes. Why did his stupid friends all have to be so moralistic? "Well I can't just let them get away with this. I have to do something," Cartman said while glaring at the monitor.

Stan took hold of the computer's mouse, moving the on-screen arrow toward the giant red X mark in the upper right corner of the screen. Cartman's fat hand took hold of Stanley's, stopping him.

"Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?"

"I'm turning it off. You can't get a copy so why would you want to see more of this?"

"I just uh…"

Cartman's eyes darted from side to side as he tried to think up a reasonable explanation. He could come up with none, because love didn't make any sense to begin with. Love didn't rely on reason or logic to function. Neither did hormones. They were both feelings that existed separately and independently from rational thought. Even when one's head screamed that hormones and love should not get involved, at the end of the day they would feel how they felt regardless of what any brain cells dictated or how much sense it may or may not have made. The love/hormone combination could make a person say and do all sorts of insane things, and right now Eric Cartman was caught under their powerful spell. He didn't need a reason for any of it. He completed his thought.

"…It's _hot_, dude!"

Stan narrowed his eyes. "I don't think so," he spat somewhat venomously. "I don't see how it can be hot at all watching someone you love do _that_. Just the thought of it makes me sick."

"Everything makes you sick; you've got a weak stomach," Cartman reminded his friend.

Stan's eyes went from narrowed to closed. "Cartman please, I can't look at this anymore. Just let me turn it off." Stan's voice cracked as he spoke, almost begging for the video to end. Cartman, ever observant, noticed this and tightened his grip on Stanley's hand.

"No! Stan I want to see this!"

"WELL I _DON'T_! I can't look at this anymore! I can't listen!" Stan screamed.

Stan struggled with Cartman a moment for control over the computer's mouse, but Stan was too upset to truly fight for long. Each moan from the on-screen couple seemed to make his strength grow weaker. His arm finally went limp. He wiggled his hand out from under Cartman's and hurried out of the bedroom, because unlike Cartman, Stan's tears were starting to fall. Cartman stared after the departing boy a moment. He thought about giving chase. That idea was abandoned as soon as the movie's panting and moaning increased in both number and volume. With a hand creeping down his extra tight pants, Cartman watched in amazement as the dirty Jew apparently reached his peak under the covers along with Wendy.

Cartman's Wendy.

/

The fat boy waddled into the home's bathroom following the video's end. Stan was already inside blowing his once again running nose and drying his newly reddened eyes. Cartman ripped a piece of toilet paper from the wall's roll and stuffed it down the front of his pants.

"Dude!" Stan said disgustedly. He was able to see Cartman's action through the bathroom mirror's reflection. He wished to God he hadn't.

"I told you it was hot." Cartman gave an unapologetic shrug of his shoulders. "Now you mind telling me what the hell that gay little outburst was about?"

Stan faced away from the mirror so that there would be no mistaking which of the two boys in the room he was glaring his eyes at. "You know what, Cartman? You need to shut your fat fucking mouth with that 'gay' talk. I come over here when I was too sick to even go to school to help you; you show me _that_ when I get here, and now you wanna call me names? You say one more thing and I swear to God I'm gonna _kick your ass_!"

Cartman cocked his head to the side. Something was going on here. He had a question nagging his mind that needed to be asked. He made sure to phrase it in a way that wouldn't get his ass kicked.

"Stan? Tell me something. In a non-gay way…what, exactly, crawled up your ass?"

Stan clutched the sink as if it were keeping him from falling to the tiled floor. His emotional reaction had been too obvious. He couldn't hide anymore. Cartman would only continue to pry until he got an answer. Stan knew that whether he liked it or not, the time had come to explain himself.

"…I like Kyle."

To Be Continued


	6. an eye for an eye

Author's note: I know getting drunk is a cliché plot device, but it was necessary in this case. You'll see why later on. I have some surprises in store in the next few chapters that I hope none of you will be able to see coming. I hope you keep reading, and remember, reviews are still both appreciated and encouraged.

/

Surprised by the revelation Cartman was left unable to speak. He stared at Stanley as the news slowly registered. Stan was equally as quiet; continuing to examine the bathroom's tiled floor. The more silence that filled the room, the more awkward the situation was quickly becoming. Unfortunately for Stan and the rest of the world, Cartman eventually managed to find his voice.

"You…like Kahl?"

"Yes" Stan said softly.

"As in 'I'm a fag who won't get into Heaven' like?"

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Of all the people to come out to, why did I pick you?"

"Probably because I'm awesome, but that's not the issue right now. If Kyle just screwed you over then help me get back at him. Even if you can't touch the video we can do _something_, right?"

Stan released his nose and looked back up into Cartman's face. "Look, even though I hate seeing Kyle and Wendy together like that, Kyle's free to do whatever he wants. He didn't know how I felt about him. And apparently it wouldn't have mattered even if he did. He looked pretty straight in that video," Stan said with a growing frown.

"Stop talking about the Jew's wiener for a second. What about me? Kyle might have been single, but _Wendy_ wasn't. She was with _me_. _I_ got hurt by that cheating whore. Don't _I_ deserve some kind of retribution here?"

"Revenge doesn't make anything better, Cartman. It's done. They made that goddamn tape together and nothing you do to them can change what already happened. Just dump Wendy and move on if you're so hurt. That's what normal people do."

"You're one to talk about normal people, fag."

Stan's teeth clenched. "Screw this! I'm leaving!"

Stan stomped toward the bathroom door. Instead of being violently pushed out of the way, Cartman wisely decided to step aside so Stan could exit freely. As they crossed paths Cartman looked into his friend's ocean-blue eyes. The recently crying eyes continued telling a story of pain and anger hypocritical to the verbal macho claims that what's done is done and it doesn't matter anymore. Cartman could tell that it definitely still mattered to the both of them.

Although he couldn't run very fast due to his weight problem, Cartman chased after the departing Stan. Having never even taken his shoes off, Stan was making a beeline for the front door. He wanted out of Cartman's anti-gay presence as soon as possible. The teens made it all the way into the living room before Cartman managed to place one of his chubby hands on Stan's shoulder, stopping his progress. Stan immediately slapped Cartman's hand away, but turned around to face him just the same.

"What?" Stan asked irritably.

Cartman held up a single finger, indicating that Stan needed to wait one moment while the fat boy regained his breath. "Please don't go" Cartman managed to huff out.

Stan was caught off-guard by the request. Cartman rarely _requested_ anything; especially the company of others. He was more of a "get the fuck out of my house!" demanding sort of guy. It was even rarer to hear Cartman say the word 'please.' Stan stayed put for the time being.

"You can deny it all you want to Stan, but we _both_ know you're hurting right now."

"I told you already: I'm _not_ helping you Cartman."

"I know. That's fine. I don't need help getting revenge on people."

Stan mentally recalled the events that led up to the demise of Scott Tenorman's parents. He decided to anonymously tip off Kyle and Wendy's families as soon as he was away from Cartman, just in case. Cartman spoke again, snapping Stan back to their present conversation.

"What I _do_ need is a fucking drink. Want to join me?"

Stan shook his head. "Drinking won't help dude."

"It won't hurt either. Helping me or not, you're _still_ hurt from seeing your man-crush in the arms of a girl. A couple of drinks won't make you feel any lower than we…" Cartman caught himself mid-sentence and quickly corrected his statement, "…any lower than _you_ already do."

Stan's previous frown returned to his face. As much as he wanted to hide it, the sorrow within him was too great. It could only lay dormant for so long before inevitably surfacing again. Deep down in his broken heart, Stan knew that Cartman was right. He _was_ hurting, which surely meant that Cartman was too. In fact, Stan deduced that Cartman was probably hurting even worse than he was. Stan had lost a long-time crush to the other team's side, but Cartman lost a girlfriend that was actually his to begin with to the person he considered his worst enemy in life. Growing pity for Cartman filled Stan's sensitive soul. The poor fat bastard just didn't want to drown the pain in booze all by himself. It was a simple enough request even if Cartman wasn't outright requesting it. How could Stan refuse him?

"Just…Just a couple drinks okay? I have to drive home."

"Sure. Thanks, Stan," Cartman said, which was another rarity coming from his mouth.

Cartman and Stan headed into the kitchen. The liquor cabinet was unlocked. Cartman's mother set no boundaries for her spoiled son, allowing him to drink as he pleased. Cartman took the liberty of playing bartender while Stan took a seat at the kitchen table. Already knowing Cartman to be dishonest and underhanded, Stan made sure to eye the fat boy carefully as he poured and distributed the alcohol. Stan wouldn't let his guard down even if he was currently taking pity on the guy. Cartman soon joined Stan at the table. Thankfully, he hadn't pulled a single trick.

"Let's get fucked up," Cartman declared.

/

Stan awoke a few hours later. He opened his eyes to sights that were familiar; yet strange. He could tell immediately that he wasn't at home. The next thing he noticed was the sunlight illuminating the room's closed curtain. That meant it was daytime. Stan's head throbbed a bit, but it was no worse than his previous hangovers which were few and far between. A door opened. The creaking of the wood forced Stan to clutch his head and close his eyes.

"Good morning, Stan!" a bathrobe-clad Cartman said cheerfully. "I made some breakfast."

"Ugh. I don't want to eat."

Cartman set the food tray on his bedroom's dresser. "Looks like someone can't hold their liquor very well."

Stan's eyes opened. His brain finally joined his body in waking up, allowing him to realize who he was talking with. Memories came flooding back to Stan's mind. That's right; he was at Cartman's house. He'd gone there, gotten drunk, and apparently fallen asleep.

"Cartman? Shit, did I stay here all night?"

"Yep. You passed out right in my bed."

"In your bed?" Stan blinked. He looked from side to side. He was lying on a mattress. "I'm sorry dude. Where'd you sleep?"

Cartman grinned. "Right beside you of course."

"….What?"

"Don't tell me you don't remember."

Stan's eyebrows rose with concern. "Don't remember what?"

Cartman took hold of the blanket covering Stan's body. He pulled it away, exposing Stan's nude form to the world. Stan gasped. He felt his chest tighten and he briefly lost the ability to breathe. A heart attack would feel pretty good right about now. Unfortunately the shock was only temporary. The reality was what appeared to be permanent. Stan's right hand moved to cover his genitals while his left clutched at his panicking, rapidly beating heart.

"Cartman where are my clothes? What happened?" Stan demanded to know.

Cartman winked at his nude friend. "We happened. Your clothes were passionately ripped off and thrown on the floor next to mine."

A bout of nausea crept up Stan's stomach, and it wasn't due to the hangover.

"You mean…" Stan paused to force back his urge to vomit. "…You mean we had _sex_? _Together_?"

"Like rabbits," Cartman remembered fondly. "But I don't think we should be boyfriends now or anything. I don't really like guys, and frankly I think I can do better than you. But it was awesome revenge sex, buddy." Cartman patted Stanley on his shirtless back for a job well done.

"_Revenge sex_?" Stan exclaimed, still in shock. He moved to the floor, deciding to very quickly put on his clothing.

Unlike Stan, Cartman began casually snacking on a breakfast muffin, seemingly unaffected by the whole experience. "Oh, and don't worry about being too drunk to remember anything. If you _really_ want to see what we did I bet Wendy or Kyle will probably let you watch the video with one of them."

Stan froze in the middle of zipping up his jeans. Horrified, he looked back at Cartman, his voice monotonous. "You didn't."

Cartman smirked. "I did."

"…No. God dammit Cartman! No! No, no, _no_!"

Cartman blinked, still casual about the whole experience. "Yes dude. I'm seriously."

Stan shoved Cartman off of his feet, his fat body hitting hard against the dresser's countertop. Cartman called out in pain, his robe becoming stained by various breakfast foods. He stood back up, glaring at Stan. His cheerful morning-after mood was now dead. His tone growing serious, he wagged a finger in Stan's direction.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you Stan. I've already sent an electronic copy of the video we made to Wendy and Kyle. If my calculations are correct they won't watch it until after school. They actually pay attention in class so they won't be checking their e-mails before then. I attached the same protection on our video that they put on theirs so they can't do anything with the footage, but _I_ still have a copy of it. Touch me again like that and I show the world how much you love the cock. Understand?"

Stan growled. His hands balled up into fists. He desired to end Cartman's life then and there. Fat ass certainly couldn't show the world any videos if he were dead with Stan's fingerprints on his pudgy throat. Unfortunately, Cartman's threat reminded Stan that today was a school day. A school day Stan was apparently late for. Since Cartman timed his e-mail so well it was likely that he waited to send it until classes had already begun. Otherwise Wendy and Kyle may have checked their e-mails before school. Stan also knew that if he didn't come home the previous night _and_ didn't turn up at school the next day that his parents would worry about him. Randy Marsh worried was usually a nightmare scenario. It led to very bad, very stupid things happening. Reluctantly, Stan gave up. He finished dressing and stormed for the bedroom's exit. Without looking back at Cartman as he spoke, Stan said what he hoped would be hurtful parting words to the fat one.

"You know what? I'm _glad_ Wendy cheated on your fat ass with Kyle! YOU SUCK, CARTMAN!"

"You swallow! I should know!" Cartman replied.

Thanks to Cartman, things had just gotten a whole lot worse.

To Be Continued


	7. communication

Author's Note: This update is short, but I figured it's better to get a chapter posted than to make my readers wait an undetermined amount of time for a longer update. It's Thanksgiving in America, so be thankful you have this new chapter to read. I'll be thankful if you leave some more reviews. Enjoy!

/

Kyle scanned the crowded cafeteria for the sight of his best friend. Stan hadn't shown up for the gym class he and Kyle shared together and it appeared he wasn't going to make it for lunch either. 'Ah shit' Kyle said internally. Kyle looked forward to spending time with Stan even more than normal ever since first developing his crush on the boy. The ability to secretly check out Stan nude in the gym's locker room didn't hurt either. Kyle found that his Stan-less school days were always just a bit harder to get through, and it appeared today was going to be such a day.

"Have you seen Cartman?"

The question pulled Kyle out of his entertaining Stan-centered thoughts. He moved his container of chocolate milk over slightly so that Wendy could set down her own lunch tray. She claimed the chair beside Kyle. The Jew briefly wondered if Wendy's days without Cartman around were just as difficult to get through. The sad expression on Wendy's face suggested they were.

"I make it a point _not_ to see Cartman," Kyle reminded her, "But no. Have you seen Stan?"

"No." Wendy frowned, listlessly picking at her food. "I'm getting worried. They're serving Cartman's favorite today. I thought for sure he'd show up for lunch."

"Well did you show him that video yet? He's probably pissed off and avoiding you," Kyle said before taking a sip of his milk.

"I showed it to him yesterday, but I _know_ Cartman. It all should have gone according to plan and this isn't part of the plan."

Kyle raised a concerned eyebrow. He put down his plastic spork and turned his head toward Wendy, focusing more on her words. "What _was_ the plan anyway?"

"I made sure Cartman got too curious and went off to watch the video that afternoon. Since it's rigged to only play once and everyone is at school or work in the afternoon that guaranteed he'd be the only one watching. He'd see it, obviously get mad, and start to plan some kind of revenge on the both of us, but working alone he wouldn't be able to really do anything yet. I made sure not to contact him that night because he'd be too upset to take my calls or read my messages. Then he'd come into school today prepared to call me a slut and really set his plan to get even into motion. Then I'd tell him the whole thing was faked, proving my point successfully and defusing the situation. Not to mention making him look like an ass."

Kyle blinked. "That's a pretty detailed plan. You can seriously anticipate his reaction that well?"

"What can I say, I know my boyfriend. Or at least I thought I did."

Kyle sipped his milk. "Do you think maybe Cartman got so upset over the video that he killed himself? That'd be awesome."

Wendy glared. "No it wouldn't! God you're an asshole!"

"Hey, Cartman would wish the same thing on me."

"Be that as it may _you're_ supposed to be nicer than he is."

Wendy had a point there. "Okay I'm sorry. Seriously though Wendy: if your plan was to tell Cartman when he got to school I hope you have a backup plan. Cartman's a vengeful bastard and our asses are both on the line here."

"I'll call him." Wendy dug through her purse in search for her cell phone. "He needs to know we faked the whole thing before this gets out of hand."

"_Before_ it gets out of hand? Right." Kyle said sarcastically.

"Shut up."

Wendy located her phone, flipped it open and turned it on. The phone's vibration alerted Wendy that she'd received a new text message. She viewed the sender information immediately, hoping the message was from Cartman. Unfortunately the number was easily identified as Bebe's, but the question posed was just shocking enough to distract Wendy from the very reason she'd gotten her phone in the first place. Wendy took a moment to make sure she was reading the blunt words correctly.

"_Did you fuck Stan?_"

"_No!_" she typed in response. She even went so far as to include the exclamation point in order to emphasize how much she hadn't done it. "_Why?_"

Kyle blinked. "Wendy? Are you going to call Cartman or what?"

"Hold on. I'm figuring something out."

Wendy's phone rang a moment later. She answered, already knowing it was Bebe replying to the question. Some explanations simply took too long to be expressed through limited text messaging, and this was one of those times.

"Bebe what are you talking about?"

"I'm at Kenny's. Stan came over here and he's using the shower and borrowing Kenny's clothes. He said he's rushing to get to school so he needed to get ready here. I can't smell sex on him, but I know his house isn't near here and he keeps muttering something about Cartman. I thought maybe your revenge was screwing Stan since he's your ex."

"Oh no…." Wendy said out loud.

Her words caused Kyle to grow increasingly panicked. "'Oh no'? What the hell do you mean 'oh no'?" he said.

"I think Cartman did something to Stan."

Kyle's heart tightened inside his chest. "What? Wendy what's going on? God dammit, when we made that tape you said we'd be protected from any repercussions. You _said_ everything would be cool!"

"It was supposed to be!"

"Well it _isn't_! Not if Stan's getting hurt because of it! Why the hell would Cartman go after him anyway? _I'm_ the one in the video."

Bebe's gossip-loving ears picked up Kyle's angry audio. "What video?"

Wendy groaned. "I'll tell you about it later okay? Thanks for the info."

"Sure. Bye."

Wendy hung up, focusing back on her male friend. "Bebe says Stan's on his way to school. We can ask him about it then, now just calm down."

Kyle reluctantly took a deep breath. He knew worrying about it would do no good and that he'd get answers from Stan soon enough, but that didn't stop him from glaring slightly as Wendy.

Wendy was growing equally as mad at herself.

To Be Continued


	8. secret's out AKA fighting and sex

Author's Note: I hope this long update makes up for the equally long wait. Please read and review.

/

Bebe hung up her cell phone and turned to face her boyfriend. Her full lips formed a perfect pout; the happiness fading just as quickly from her eyes. She squirmed anxiously. Her frizzy hair whipped from side to side as she shook her head, as though she were arguing with herself. She bit her tongue for a moment but eventually could no longer hold back what was on her mind.

"We have to go to school."

"_What_?"

"Please, Kenny? Wendy said she'd tell me what was going on later but if we go to school I can find out sooner."

Kenny rolled his eyes. "You can wait until school's over."

"No! I want to find out right now."

Kenny's poor posture sunk his back further down against the couch cushions. Curious what was on daytime television, his hand grasped the nearby remote control and explored the channels. "That wasn't part of the deal, remember?"

Bebe joined Kenny on the couch. She made sure to press her hip against Kenny's and placed her head on his shoulder. She batted her eyelashes cutely, but Kenny was too focused on the TV to notice. Bebe nuzzled Kenny's neck. She could tell her refusal to let up was getting to Kenny judging by the softening expression on his face and the hardening lump she eyed between his legs.

"Deals are made to be broken," she said.

Kenny groaned slightly. "But I already had my heart set on skipping today. You said we could last night."

"So? I say a lot of things when I'm horny."

"I'll remember that the next time you want a booty call."

The running shower water was silenced in the background. The bathroom door opened, causing steam to escape and fill the apartment. Stan emerged, attempting to pull one of Kenny's gray shirts over his head while brushing his still-wet black hair.

"Stan, can we catch a ride with you to school?" Bebe said.

"Why do _I_ have to go? _You're_ the one who wants to talk to Wendy."

Bebe glared at Kenny. "You know, I'm just as tired as you are. If I have to suffer through the school day then you should too. Besides, Wendy's my best friend. That means her pain is my pain. She's going through something big right now and whatever it is I need to be there for her. If you _really_ loved me you'd want to be there for me while I'm being there for her!"

Stan paused in the middle of tying his shoes. His ears perked up as he tuned in the bickering couple's conversation. What was Wendy going through? Does she know about Cartman's video already? Is she feeling guilty for her video with Kyle? Most importantly, does she want to kill Stan Marsh and hide the body for technically having drunken sex with her technical boyfriend? Stan knew from first-hand past experience just how possessive Wendy could become. Talking to her sounded like a good idea. Perhaps if he confessed his involvement right away Stan could earn some brownie points. With every second lost it was possible that Stan was getting into deeper and deeper shit. He hurriedly finished tying his shoes.

"Guys can you please have this fight later? I need to go. Come on if you're coming," Stan said. Giving them a ride was the least he could do after they took him in this morning.

Kenny stood up from the couch and moved away from his girlfriend. "Don't give me that 'if you really loved me' shit. That didn't work when I used it on you."

Bebe stood up next, pointing an angry, manicured finger at Kenny's chest. "Asking to do it without a condom is a _little_ different!"

"Guys I _really_ have to go," Stan reiterated. He glanced at his watch.

"Babe, you _know_ I'm whipped for you." Kenny said.

"Well you won't be _getting_ whipped by me any time soon, asshole!" Bebe said.

"You call me at Midnight, knowing we have school the next day, and say you want me to fuck you until you can't walk. I do that, and now _you're_ mad at _me_ for being tired the next morning? That's _bullshit_!"

Bebe pointed to her legs. "Last time I checked, I'm still walking just fine."

Kenny's face grew red with anger. "Don't go there."

"I'll be in my car. If somebody isn't out there in five minutes I'm leaving without you," Stan threatened.

"Stan what's your fucking problem? You're already late. Chill," Kenny said.

"Don't take your anger out on him." Bebe said.

"Don't tell me what to do." Kenny replied.

"What's the difference? You never listen anyway."

"I listen to you plenty."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"_Oh for God's sake_!" Stan exclaimed. "You _really_ want to know what's going on? Fine I'll tell you. Wendy made a porno tape with Kyle and sent it to Cartman to piss him off. He ended up showing it to me and then got me drunk and had sex with me to get revenge. He filmed it and now Wendy and Kyle are going to see it if they haven't already, and _I _need to get to school to figure out what the _hell's_ going on! _There_!"

Stan slammed the door behind himself as he exited the apartment. Bebe and Kenny's jaws hit the floor simultaneously. Their bloodshot eyes stared at the part of the room Stan's body had previously occupied, then at each other, and then back at the closed door. The couple searched frantically for their respective shoes. Forgetting their own fight, they ran outside to follow Stan and get further details on the juicy story.

/

Wendy knew Cartman just as well as she thought she did. Cartman _did_ show up for lunch to claim the delicious food as she'd suspected he would. He simply chose to do so during the school's mandatory second lunch period. The National School Lunch Program had selected South Park High to be one of a few schools which served two lunches each school day. Of course students were only allowed to take one of the two lunch periods offered, having a class scheduled during the other, but Cartman being Cartman he was able to sneak in a different or even second lunch on numerous occasions.

The tray of the devoured lunch landed alongside other trash as Cartman passed a garbage can on his way into the boy's bathroom. He unzipped his fly and aimed himself at the nearest urinal. A clock on the wall indicated that it was just about noon. Cartman smiled. Just a few more hours until Wendy and Kyle got what they deserved. Mostly Wendy, but Kyle would at the very least have to endure seeing his best friend being tainted forever by the man he hated the most. Cartman saw Kyle taint Wendy's gorgeous body. Payback was only fair. Cartman briefly wondered if he should track down Wendy and pretend to be forgiving and nice like she did. He decided against it. Cartman wasn't usually nice. Starting now would only tip Wendy off to the scheme. She was too smart for her own good. The same was true of Kyle. No wonder they picked each other to fornicate with. Cartman flushed the toilet and moved to the nearest sink to wash his hands.

"Ohhh…Stop!"

The fat boy paused in the middle of applying liquid soap to his palms. A moan coming from a bathroom stall was nothing new, but an angry whisper to stop? That was different. Cartman shrugged it off. Some poor guy had probably just eaten the school's mystery meat.

The girlish giggle that followed the demand to cease regained Eric's attention. Cartman hesitantly looked over toward the bathroom's stalls. Two of them were empty; a fact noticeable thanks to a lack of feet touching the visible ground. The third stall had a backpack conveniently placed on the floor making Cartman or anyone else unable to see who if anyone was inside. A second, lower moan rang out. Then another and another. The noise was practically beckoning Cartman to come over and investigate. He crept toward the source of the sound, the moans getting louder. One of them even sounded like it was coming out of a _girl's_ throat.

Cartman gripped the stall's handle and bravely flung the door wide open, revealing a bottomless Bebe perched in a bottomless Kenny's lap. Her legs were wrapped around his waist, her hands on his shoulders. His hands were on her hips, and his penis appeared to be concealed safely inside of her vagina. Kenny's hands moved down to cover Bebe's bare ass from Cartman's vision, glaring at his fat friend over Bebe's shoulder.

"_Cartman_!"

"Aw-aww!" Cartman said. He covered his eyes and slammed the door closed. "The _fuck_ you guys!"

"Hmph! It's called make-up sex. Thanks for ruining the mood!" Bebe said as she pulled away from Kenny.

Cartman turned his back on the couple. He crossed his arms over his chest and counted the number of cracks in the wall as they dressed. Anything was better to focus on than Kenny and Bebe fucking on a toilet. "You guys are disgusting!"

Kenny zipped up his pants. "Don't be a prude."

Cartman paused for a moment, contemplating the situation. "On the bright side, I can blackmail you with this. I bet our principal wouldn't take kindly to two students boning in the bathroom."

Bebe and Kenny exited the stall. "Just because you're jealous I'm getting laid by the hottest guy in school doesn't mean you can sell us out." Bebe said.

"What?" Cartman reluctantly turned his head to look at them, thankful to find that they were clothed again. "Bebe are you dumb naturally or because you're blonde? Being jealous of _you_ suggests I want to bone Kenny."

"Well yeah. You had sex with Stan so you're gay now right?"

"_What_! How'd you assholes know about that?"

"Stan told us. Duh." Kenny said.

The blondes turned their backs and washed their hands. Cartman's face became overtaken by shock. Blabbing about their one-night stand to anyone but Kyle or Wendy wasn't part of the plan. The gay skeleton was only supposed to come out of the closet long enough for Kyle and Wendy to find out about it. After that it would be neatly tucked back away forever.

"Fine. I won't tell on you guys if you don't tell on me." Cartman said.

"Deal" Kenny said.

"Speak for yourself."

The boys looked to Bebe.

"You're such an asshole, Cartman. I have half a mind to watch your video with Wendy and describe it to everybody."

Cartman glared at the girl. "Did Stan neglect to tell you the part where _Wendy_ made a porno first? _I'm_ just getting even."

"Yeah, he told us about Wendy's tape. So what? I think you got off easy." Bebe said.

"Hey! I can last just as long as your stupid boyfriend in bed!" Cartman said.

"No, I mean with Wendy's video. She wouldn't have even made it if _you_ hadn't made such a big deal about keeping your stupid porn so you can check out other girls. It's your fault, and that means _her_ video was done to get even. Wendy's a pretty vengeful person. It could have been a lot worse for you."

Cartman scoffed. "How? How could it possibly be worse than fucking my worst enemy right in front of me?"

"Well, if it were me, I'd have had a gangbang with a _bunch_ of guys you can't stand whose dicks I'd make sure were all bigger than yours. Wendy made a good choice with Kyle, but I'd have thrown in Butters and Scott Malkinson and some minorities. That way it's literally everything you can't stand pounding my vag better than you."

"With that many guys they'd probably have to pound your ass too." Kenny pointed out. He was seemingly not even offended by Bebe's group sex scenario. Whether that made him and Bebe a drama-free, trusting couple compared to Cartman and Wendy or an unfeeling couple who didn't care enough about each other was a matter of debate.

"That's true. Oh, and I'd do all the kinky stuff with them that I'd never do with you, Cartman." Bebe said, elaborating on the hypothetical revenge plot.

Cartman stared at her, wide-eyed. "Okay, I definitely won't tell about your dirty bathroom sex. Damn!" Apparently it was best to remain on Bebe's good side.

"Good. And the next time you think about getting back at Wendy, think about why she did what she did in the first place."

Bebe exited the bathroom. Kenny followed behind her, an erection still present inside his pants. Cartman looked himself over in the bathroom's mirror, considering Bebe's words.

/

"Stan!"

Without even bothering to change first Kyle pushed his way through the crowded locker room to get to his best friend. Stan removed his gym uniform and tossed the borrowed clothes into his locker in its place. Stan waved casually at Kyle as he approached. Kyle waved back; while trying to keep his eyes focused above Stan's neck. One by one their classmates exited the locker room, leaving the boys alone to freely discuss what needed to be said.

"Dude, are you okay?" Kyle asked.

Stan raised a concerned eyebrow. Did Kyle know about Cartman's tape already? "Why?" he asked.

"Bebe said you were at Kenny's this morning saying something about Cartman. Wendy and I thought maybe he hurt you."

Stan finished placing on his gym attire. "Oh. No. He just…made me late."

"I noticed. Me and Wendy had to take turns getting out of our classes to go look for you. We've been waiting for you to get here all morning. We tried to skip class altogether but the stupid hall monitor wouldn't let us. How'd fat ass make you late anyway?"

"I don't really want to talk about it. Come on, we've got gym."

Kyle finding out about the tape was inevitable, but this wasn't the right time or place to discuss it. In Stan's opinion there was actually no right time or place to break this kind of news, but Stan knew that he at least wanted to wait until he could find the right words. Or until after school. Whichever came first. He knew that the first image Kyle saw of him as a gay man couldn't be him bent over for Eric Cartman. Then Kyle might not be so tolerant of Stan's lifestyle. No. The news had to somehow come from Stan first. Even if Stan had no shot with Kyle romantically thanks to Wendy, they were still best friends. Besides, if Stan talked about it and really tried to remember the drunken mistake, he might succeed. That was an image Stan definitely didn't want burned into his brain. He closed his locker and turned his back, assuming that Kyle would return to his own locker to change before following him outside.

Instead, Kyle placed a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Come on. What is it? Whatever Cartman did to piss you off, it's just going to keep pissing you off until you talk about it." Based on the concerned frown on his lips, Kyle's relief had apparently faded away.

Now Stan was growing offended. Kyle hadn't even said anything about his relationship with Wendy yet, but _he_ wanted answers? That was hardly fair in Stan's opinion. Why should he be the one to open the door to that conversation? Kyle was Stan's best friend. _He_ should open up first. After all, Cartman's revenge was a reaction to Kyle and Wendy. Still, as Kyle's best friend, Stan knew he should give his buddy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Kyle just needed someone to push him in the right direction. Get the ball of truth rolling so to speak. Stan could recall many times during their youth when truthfulness wasn't the first thing to come out of his or Kyle's mouths. Stan opened the window of opportunity.

"Kyle? Why would Cartman have _wanted_ to hurt me anyway?"

It was a good question. One Kyle knew he'd have to make up an excuse for. He didn't want to lie to Stan, but it was necessary in this case. At least until after Wendy had gotten back at Cartman and then revealed the truth to him. Once his thirst for blood was gone there'd be no harm in sharing the information with others, but that time hadn't come yet. Kyle recalled the first lunch period's cell phone conversation. Wendy was in the same boat with her best friend. Although she said that she'd 'tell her later' what happened, in the back of his mind Kyle knew that Wendy was too smart and too protective of her reputation to actually do so. No doubt Wendy was counting on Bebe to easily forget the matter by the time she got to school. Or at the very least, a fictitious story had already been conjured up to tell temporarily in place of reality. If Wendy could lie through her teeth like that to people she cared for, Kyle could too. That video was intended for Cartman's eyes and ears only. With the evidence thankfully destroyed no one would believe Cartman even if he tried to tell the world the secret, but others abilities to confirm the student sex tape allegation while Cartman was head-hunting and before the third parties had received the full story would only cause people to get hurt. Therefore the less Stan knew the better. The truth could come out soon enough. And, Kyle hoped, so could he.

"Oh. You know how Cartman is." Kyle explained dismissively.

"Uh-huh. Sure." Stan said skeptically.

The ceiling's florescent lighting reflected against the metallic gray of Kyle's cell phone as Kyle removed it from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" Stan asked.

"I'm going to text Wendy and tell her you're okay."

"No!" Stan said.

"Dude I have to. I told you, she's been just as worried as me about this."

Stan closed his eyes tightly. "Kyle, don't."

Kyle cocked his head to the side; his pointer finger poised over one of his phone's colorful buttons. "Why?"

Stan knew that if the phone went on it would alert Kyle about Cartman's video message. Stupid technology! "Because…Because I said so. Just please don't, okay?"

"Why not? Now I _have_ to turn it on."

"No!"

Stan lunged at Kyle, tackling him to the floor. It wasn't like Kyle's numerous fantasies at all. It was rough and painful, which would have been forgivable were it done at all out of lust, but it wasn't. Instead Stan grabbed the phone, attempting to wrestle it away. Kyle fought back by gripping his communicative device tightly with one hand while his other hand shoved against Stanley's chest. Kyle's head turned to examine his phone. Stan's hand reached under Kyle's chin, forcing his head in another direction. Kyle's thumb communicated with his brain. Recalling the phone's "on" button placement from memory, he warmed up the phone.

"Dude what the _hell_ is your problem? Give me my fucking phone!" Kyle said.

"No!!"

The fight continued. A noise alerted the boys that Kyle had received a new message. Stan's face went pale with fright. He fought harder than ever for the phone's ownership. For only the third time in their lives Stan and Kyle began wrestling around on the floor. For only the second time in their lives the wrestling match was a serious physical fight. And for only the first time during one of their wrestling matches, Stan and Kyle both had to try to not grow hard with all that friction between them and their secret crush. Kyle's digits blindly pressed at his phone's keypad. Stan tried swatting the phone away but Kyle's death grip was too strong. Desperate, Stan grabbed the defenseless phone by the back of its flipped open screen, trying to break it intentionally. He'd buy Kyle a replacement later.

Unfortunately, before he could break the gadget, the video had already begun playing.

The struggle for control of the phone ceased immediately. The boys didn't care enough to continue. Kyle was frozen in shock; Stan frozen in embarrassment. Kyle's head slowly turned to glimpse at the unspeakable horrors that had somehow materialized on his cell phone's display screen. Though Cartman's nude body and some blankets managed to cover most of Stan's body, his face was definitely visible. If there was anything redeeming about the video at all, it was perhaps that Stan' wasn't moaning like Cartman was. Stan was pretty much a starfish; spread out and receiving under the covers without so much as a peep. He was so still Kyle and Stan both took a moment to consider the possibility of sleeping rape, but no way Stan would sleep through anal violation due purely to alcohol, which Stan had previously inspected was all he had ingested that night. Slowly Stan and Kyle returned to their feet. Kyle looked back at Stan with betrayal burning his eyes.

"I'm sorry." Stan said weakly.

"Tell coach I'm fucking sick to my fucking stomach." Kyle replied coldly. He tucked his phone neatly back into his pocket and stormed out on his scheduled gym class through the locker room's entrance. Kyle punched a locker on his way out the door for good measure.

Stan sighed. 'God damn you, Cartman."

Worst of all, Wendy hadn't found out about any of this yet.

It was possible things were about to get even worse.

To Be Continued


	9. the money shot

**Author's Note: This is the last chapter! I hope the length of this chapter and the roller coaster of emotions expressed within it makes up for the long wait to see an update. There were several reasons I failed to update this for longer than usual, but you don't care about that. You just want to (hopefully) read this story! So let's get on with that. Thank you to all of the readers who stick with me, and as always, please read and review.**

**PS: Happy fourth of July to my fellow Americans!**

/

Kyle stomped down the school's empty hallways as his thumb ferociously smashed buttons on his cell phone, trying desperately to remove the image of Cartman and Stan's home-made porn from the screen. Kyle gave an aggravated sigh. Serious consideration was given to destroying his communicative device then and there. A replacement would cost money though. Kyle knew deep down that it wasn't right to make his parents pay for such a thing. No matter how pissed off he was. Instead Kyle paused at a row of lockers and drove his fist against the one occupied by Stan.

"Stupid asshole!" Kyle said, referring to no one in particular. Stan was an asshole for breaking Kyle's heart by sleeping with Cartman. Cartman was an asshole for sleeping with Stan. Even Kyle knew that _he_ was an asshole for not having the balls to tell Stan how he felt before it was too late, which it apparently now was. Hand continued meeting steel as Kyle let loose a string of obscenities. He was eventually saved from a possible broken hand when a new text message appeared in place of the sex, distracting him.

_Did you find Stan yet?_

The message was from Wendy.

Kyle groaned as the video's audio continued playing in the background. He couldn't decide whether he should let Wendy discover the video on her own or text her back with a friendly warning about it. He knew Cartman had to have sent her a copy of it. Still angry, Kyle typed the first response to Wendy's question that came to his mind.

_Yes. He's just fucking fine._

How could he not be? After all Stan had just gotten laid the night before. It's tough to be in a bad mood after that. Kyle growled as the text window disappeared, returning his phone to the still-playing video. An on-tape statement from Cartman caught the redhead's attention before he could return to hitting lockers.

"Hey Wendy, at least I'm not exploiting any women with this video, huh? Mmm...So good, Stan! So much better than Wendy…."

Showing off for the camera or not, Cartman's moaned line about Stan being better in bed would surely sting Wendy's heart. Particularly because Stan was lying motionless on the bed at the time the remark was made. It was the first time Kyle had really watched the video. It would also be the last. His own eyes burned too much from the imagery. He couldn't force himself to watch any more of it even if Stan didn't appear to be receiving any actual pleasure from the experience. Kyle didn't cry - his male pride forced the tears back - but he was crying on the inside. Kyle hated admitting it even to himself, but if this was how badly he and Wendy's video had made Cartman feel, then maybe the fat ass was owed an apology.

First thing was first though. Kyle opened up a new text messaging window as the porn continued playing. Why oh why did the Broflovskis get the phone plan that included internet access and e-mail message alerts? The Testaburgers had it right sticking to the basic text and phone plan. Otherwise Wendy would have already seen the video. Struggling to find the words, Kyle began composing a message. He thought about telling her to simply not view Cartman's message under any circumstances but quickly realized that Wendy's curiosity would inevitably get the better of her. Besides, Wendy deserved to know. Special circumstances or not Cartman had still cheated on her.

_Check your e-mail. Be alone! You won't like what you see. I'm sorry._

Kyle closed his eyes and sighed after his text message finished sending. He didn't have time to feel his friend's pain for long. A pair of hands touched Kyle's shoulders; roughly spinning him around. There still adorned in his gym uniform was a glaring Stan. Kyle returned the glare while holding up his cell phone, forcing Stan to view his shameful actions.

"I _told_ you not to look!" Stan pointed out.

"I _wouldn't_ have if I'd known what was on there!" Kyle replied. "But I guess asking you to be honest with me after all these fucking years is too much to ask for."

"Honesty? _You_ want to talk about honesty, Kyle? When were you planning on telling me about you and Wendy?"

Kyle paused. "Me and Wendy?"

"Yeah! Cartman only made that damn video because of you two making yours!"

Kyle's skin began to pale with worry. He tucked his cell phone safely back into his pocket. "You know about that?"

"I saw it, asshole."

"How! Only Cartman was supposed to see that!"

"Who the hell cares _how_? Cartman invited me over and I saw it. You know, helping Wendy cheat on Cartman's bad enough, but Christ I didn't even know you _liked_ her!"

"I _don't_ like Wendy! Stan it's not what you think."

"Bullshit."

Kyle glared at his friend. "Don't call me a liar. Just let me explain the-"

"There's _nothing_ to explain."

"Look, just shut up for a second so I can-"

Stan's hands found Kyle's chest, pressing against it and giving the Jew a shove. "Don't tell me to shut up! You've got a lot of fucking nerve!"

"Don't push me, asshole!" Kyle said. He pushed Stan back to emphasize how it doesn't feel very good.

For the third time in their lives the fight was on. The shoves became harder. This time Kyle tackled Stan to the floor instead of the other way around. Kyle attempted to silence Stan by choking him. Not enough to do harm; just enough to keep his friend from interrupting. Kyle's cell buzzed inside his pocket with an alert of a new text. Obviously, he ignored it. He was a bit busy at the moment. Unfortunately for Kyle, he couldn't get his explanation out. Stan forced silence on both ends by responding in kind with a chokehold of his own. It was just as well. Each boy was too scared to throw a true punch for fear of hurting their friend/crush anyway. Before either one could quit first, a teacher neither one had a class with broke up the fight. The older man had but one word for them.

"Detention!"

Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes. As if they needed yet another reason to be mad at each other.

/

"And to think they call _me_ a slut."

Wendy's confused eyebrows rose. That was certainly an odd greeting from her best friend. "What?"

Bebe sat down beside Wendy, whispering to her as she pretended to engage herself in the library book Wendy was currently trying to read. "Don't worry – I defended you when I saw Cartman. I'm always going to have your back in the end. But seriously Wendy, when I told you to show Cartman porn was bad I didn't think you'd do _that_. Jesus Christ."

Wendy's reading was immediately put on hold. She slowly turned her head to look at her friend. "Do what? What'd I do?" Playing dumb wasn't easy for a smart woman like Wendy Testaburger to do, but she could pull it off when the need arose. She assumed Cartman was already spreading rumors in the video viewing's aftermath, but did he actually get Bebe to believe it without the supposed proof? She knew he was convincing, but damn! Maybe the townspeople of South Park hadn't all learned their lesson about Cartman's word being no good yet like Wendy had previously thought.

Bebe hiss whispered into Wendy's ear. "You _know_ what you did! You fucking made a porno with Kyle! _Kyle_! Of all the people to cheat on Cartman with, you pick Kyle Broflovski? Do you have a death wish or something?"

Wendy's heart stopped. She tentatively asked "Bebe? How do you know about that?"

"Stan told us."

"_What_! How does _he_ know about that?"

Bebe frowned. "Oh, you didn't know?"

"Didn't know _what_?"

Bebe groaned. "Fuck. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this…."

"Tell me _what_?"

"Stan and Cartman…made a video together too. I figured Cartman would've thrown it back in your face by now. Stan was with Cartman when he watched your video and then Cartman made his own with Stan to get payback."

Wendy's previously frozen heart began beating rapidly. "Oh my god!" Wendy quickly located her cell phone inside her purse and turned it on. She had to talk to Kyle about this. Did he know already? Why didn't he answer her last text? Before she could make a move Kyle's previous warning message popped up on the phone's screen.

_Check your e-mail. Be alone! You won't like what you see. I'm sorry._

As expected Wendy's curiosity got the better of her. She grabbed Bebe's hand, racing with her to the library's computer station. She knew Kyle's instructions had said to be alone, but this was an emergency. As luck would have it the station was empty at the moment. Wendy sat down and accessed her personal e-mail. She knew another student could easily walk in at any time, so Wendy looked to Bebe for help. "Watch out for people, and whatever is on this, please keep it quiet." Bebe nodded in agreement. She said she'd always have Wendy's back, and besides, she could peak over her shoulder and share in the scandalous moment.

Contrary to popular belief, revenge wasn't sweet. Whatever hurt it may have caused only served as the fuel for a larger retaliation. Wendy Testaburger had just learned this the hard way. As soon as the video began to play, Wendy regretted being so curious. It was worse than she'd thought and definitely not what she'd planned. Cartman wasn't spreading rumors without fact _or_ plotting a revenge to be gotten later on. Wendy's original point had been completely missed because Cartman was too blinded by anger to see the meaning behind his girlfriend's fictitious actions. Worse than that, he was getting even for something he didn't actually need to get even for. Now it was too late to reveal that no betrayal on Wendy's end had actually taken place because Cartman had committed a sin all his own. Cartman's payback served as a sobering reminder of why Wendy supported the idea of world peace – an idea her boyfriend had often called her a "stupid hippie" for believing in. Wendy's chest ached, and unlike Kyle, even the strongest of feminists couldn't fight off the tears that fell from her stinging eyes. Wendy was grateful when the heart-wrenching images became blurry from the intensified crying.

Bebe wrapped her arms around Wendy, hugging her comfortingly. She decided to come to Stan's defense before Wendy chose to castrate her ex. Castrating Cartman would be doing mankind a favor, but she honestly believed Stan was an innocent pawn in this situation. "From what he said to me and Kenny, it's not like Stan liked it or wanted to do it or anything. Don't be mad at him. Cartman talked him into it somehow. You know how he is."

Wendy didn't respond, continuing to sniffle.

Bebe soothingly patted her friend's back. "Hey, come on sweetie. You shouldn't care that much. After all, you did screw around on him first. You've got Kyle now right?"

"It wasn't real." Wendy said weakly.

"What?"

"It wasn't real." Wendy reiterated between some sobs. "I never…It was fake. The whole thing was fake! It wasn't supposed to happen like this! I never meant to hurt him! I just wanted to teach him a lesson."

Bebe frowned. "Oh god. I'm sorry."

Wendy's sadness was unhealthily mixed with anger. Anger she attempted to direct at the entire surrounding world. Cartman was an asshole for shattering her heart. Stan was an asshole for going along with it. No, it was no use. No amount of comfort from her best friend or justification from her own mind was sufficient. There was no going back now, and Wendy knew she had only herself to blame for her actions and their consequences. She was a bitch for hurting Cartman.

Then the video reached Cartman's comment about female exploitation and Stan being better than Wendy, and any remorse felt was quickly lost.

"Fuck you!" Wendy screamed at the computer screen, as if the pre-recorded Cartman could hear her on the other side.

Matters became worse when the school's librarian entered the room. She dared to shush the girls due to the excessive noises of crying and cursing. The librarian angrily pointed her well-manicured finger in Wendy's direction. "You're being disruptive. Get out." Normally a model student, Wendy was too hurt this time to obey the request.

"Kiss my ass! You'd be upset too if you saw your boyfriend doing _this_!" Wendy directed the woman's face to the monitor, making someone else take in the horrific images.

"…Oh my…." was the librarian's only response.

"Wendy!" Bebe said warningly. She attempted to close the playing video, but it was too late. When the shock wore off the librarian exited the computer lab, presumably to go alert the proper authorities.

"Come on, we have to get out of here!" Bebe said, tugging Wendy away from the scene of the crime. "If we hurry they might not catch us. Faculty can't tell students apart half the time. If she comes back with a teacher or whatever and no one's there then they won't know it was us."

The girls dashed through the library. This drew attention to them, but hiding from on-coming authority figures was still possible. Or it would have been, if Eric Cartman hadn't chosen the worst possible time to happily stroll into the library. His large body bumped right into the exiting girls, causing the females to stumble backward a bit. Wendy's teary eyes locked with Cartman's smug ones, suggesting that he too had a possible death wish. Wendy glared at her boyfriend and pulled her hand away from Bebe's. Cartman continued destroying any sympathy he'd earned by placing a fiendish, knowing smirk on his face. He approached his girlfriend but Wendy decided to meet him halfway; her footsteps angry stomps. Despite Wendy's obvious anger Cartman continued to approach until they were standing nose to nose. Cartman sensed Wendy was upset and put up his hands in attempt to stop her actions.

Big mistake.

"Hold on. It's not what-"

Wendy's fist connected with Cartman's jaw, sending him crashing to the floor. The punch was hard, Cartman's fat body hitting the ground was harder, and soon the whole student body in the library was making noise about a fight. Wendy continued her attack by pouncing on Cartman and smacking him about the face repeatedly. Cartman cursed his girlfriend's name and attempted to shake her from his body to no avail. Bebe knew that Wendy was capable of holding her own against Cartman, but she still attempted to break up the brawl out of reflex. The couple only had one true fist fight in fourth grade, but not much had changed about Cartman since then. Sure enough Wendy had Cartman's face hammered in with fists of fury in a matter of seconds.

"How could you do this to me!"

"You started it, bitch!" Cartman replied. He took weak swats at Wendy from the ground up, loudly cursing her name as his attempt to fight back failed miserably.

The librarian returned, flanked by security for backup. It took Bebe and about three members of the adult team to pry Wendy off.

Detentions were issued immediately.

/

The tension was unbearable. The geniuses who scheduled detention decided to lock Cartman, Wendy, Stan and Kyle all in the same room together. Each teen attempted to avoid the others by selecting a dark corner of the room to brood in. Kyle and Cartman were seated across from one another with Stan across from Wendy. Everyone was gritting their teeth and no one was speaking. The four moved their eyes all around the room, silently fuming at the other guilty parties one at a time through their eyes. Kyle broke the silence first.

"As usual this is _your_ fault, Cartman!"

"Me? _You're_ the Jew who made a porn video with _my_ girlfriend!"

"At least they willingly made it!" Stan said.

"Shut up Stan. You know you like it up the butt. You told me so."

"Cartman!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "I'll bet he told you that. Just another thing you kept from me, huh Stan?"

"I told him I was gay but I _never_ said I was gay for him! Get it through your head, Kyle: I _don't_ like Cartman!"

"Didn't look that way to me."

"Well I could say the same about you and Wendy. And why the hell do you care so much about who I like anyway?"

Wendy chimed in. "There's nothing between Kyle and I! For your information, idiots, the video was faked!"

Cartman cocked his eyebrows. "What?"

Kyle turned his head and his venom toward his best friend. "Yeah, we faked the whole stupid thing! Why do you think we were under the covers the whole time? And did it ever occur to you that maybe I care so damn much about this because I'm gay too? Maybe I'm gay for _you_, Stan, you fucking asshole!"

Stan's anger decreased slightly. "You…You what?"

Kyle crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah, you heard me. I'm gay for you. I'm gay for you and _not_ straight for Wendy. I just didn't have the balls to tell anybody until Wendy came along with the fucking video camera. But now, every time I think of you like that, I see Cartman on top of you!"

Stan frowned. "How do you think I feel, Kyle?"

Kyle scoffed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean maybe _I'm_ gay for _you_. Maybe I've wanted to tell you for a long time but didn't have the balls either. How do you think I even figured out I was gay? It was from checking _you_ out. But then I see you with my old girlfriend on a video. It sucked."

"…Really?"

"Yeah dude."

Kyle's eyes met Stan's. Following the revelations all the anger between the two seemed to disappear, at least for the moment. The others in the room no longer seemed to matter to the gay boys. Kyle reluctantly smiled and Stan hesitantly returned the grin. Not seeing the slowly forming truce between the two, Wendy spoke up once again.

"Great. So now because Cartman just couldn't _wait_ to have his little revenge sex, _all_ our relationships are screwed up!"

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second." Stan said. "Why would you fake making a porno movie anyway?"

"Yeah that's bullcrap." Cartman agreed.

Wendy sighed. She hated explaining the situation after all the pain it had caused, but she re-told her point of view nonetheless.

"Cartman refused to give up watching porn. I wanted to show him that it was bad. That all those so-called hot porn star women are someone's daughter, mother, or in some cases, girlfriend. I wanted to show him that maybe it wouldn't be so 'hot' if it were somebody he knew in there. With someone he hated no less. I thought that if he saw his girlfriend getting off to something that wasn't him, which is exactly what he was doing by watching porn in the first place, that maybe he'd get it and stop. Of course, he didn't get it."

"Nope, not at all. In fact he jerked off to your video."

"Stan!"

"Fuck you fat ass! You told on me first!"

Kyle frowned. "Look, for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry I went along with this whole thing. We were going to tell Cartman it wasn't real but he reacted before we could."

"Yeah. And I'm sorry you had to get dragged into it, Stan."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Oh how nice. Everyone's sorry for Stan, the fags are kissing and making up, and it's _my_ fault for reacting badly. Well how the hell was I supposed to react? What about _me_?"

"_You_ tricked Stan into it, Cartman!" Wendy argued. "You knew goddamn well what you were doing and you did it anyway!"

Cartman scoffed. "Do you and Kahl think you're the only ones who can fake a porn tape? I'm not a fag like Stan and Kyle, all right? I _was_ going to make you suffer and then tell you in the library, but you punched my fucking face in first!"

Wendy blinked. "Tell me? Tell me what?"

"I faked my tape too."

Three sets of eyes widened in synchronicity. "What!" they exclaimed.

"You guys _really_ think I'd go queer all of a sudden like that? Let alone _film_ it after getting Stan drunk on purpose? Not only would that make me a rapist, it'd make me a stupid rapist who screws himself over by taping his crime. I'm not that stupid and I'm not a fag. The fags and the Jews are going to Hell and I don't plan to be there with them. I edited out some footage and fake moaned and stuff."

"…As horribly offensive as all of those statements are, I hope you're telling the truth about the video." Wendy admitted.

"He's probably not." Kyle doubted. "He's just saying he faked his tape now because we faked ours."

"Yeah" Stan agreed. "He just doesn't want to get in more trouble."

"I'm seriously you guys!" Cartman insisted. "You don't believe me? Fine, I'll prove it."

Cartman stood up from his detention desk and made his way for the door. He waved for the others to follow him out of the classroom.

"Hell no. It took me a lot of bargaining to get two weeks detention instead of a suspension. I'm not risking that by skipping my first day here." Wendy said.

Cartman smiled. "That's fine Wendy. Then I guess you'll just never know the truth. Guys, come on."

Stan and Kyle looked to one another. They quietly agreed to follow their friend out the door. As the men filed out of the room, Wendy fidgeted in her desk. A low growl escaped her throat before she sprung up and made for the nearest exit. Her curiosity had once again gotten the best of her.

"I hate you, Cartman."

/

The four gathered around Cartman's computer monitor. Naturally Cartman was seated in the room's only chair. Cartman loaded a video but it moved slowly thanks to the software Wendy's video had installed on his system. Kyle and Stan stood next to each other while Wendy remained off to the side. She waited to see how things played out, while the best friends chose to converse as everyone waited.

"So…You really like me?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah." Stan confessed. "You like me?"

"Yeah."

"Ugh. Will you homos do this later please?" Cartman complained.

"Hurry up with the video then." Wendy said in defense of the boys.

"Get this crap off my computer and I can!" Cartman shot back.

Stan gripped Kyle's hand. "Well you'd better do something soon. I've wanted to make out with him for months now. I'm going to start if something else doesn't start happening fast."

"Ew! All right, God!" Cartman said. He returned to his computer and closed a few programs, hoping to speed up the process.

The video finally played.

"Here! Here it is!"

_On-screen a sober Cartman checked the video camera to make sure it was recording correctly. He zoomed out of the close-up shot, getting a drunken Stan into frame with him. The smaller boy was threw back another drink._

"_Well Stan, it's almost bedtime." Cartman yawned and outstretched his arms to emphasize his alleged tiredness._

"_It is?" Stan replied, his voice slurred and confused._

"_Yeah! Why don't you hop into my bed and get comfortable?"_

_Stan blinked. "But, no. I'm supposed to go home."_

"_You're too drunk to go home now."_

"_I guess, but, why your bed?"_

"_Just get into bed and stop arguing with me."_

Wendy rolled her eyes. "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that…."

"Shut up, ho! Keep watching."

_Stan removed his shoes and socks in preparation for sleep. Cartman started removing his own clothing. He made sure none of them were thrown in the way of the camera, taking glances at the device every few seconds Stan noticed the discarded garments and looked at Cartman in puzzlement._

"_What are you doing?"_

"_Oh, dude it's so hot in here."_

"_It is?"_

"_Oh yeah dude. We need to take our clothes off. You don't want to get overheated while you're drunk, do you? All that booze is dehydrating."_

_Stan blinked. "Huh. That makes sense, I guess."_

Kyle smirked perversely as on-screen Stan undressed. Embarrassed live-action Stan nudged him in the side. "Shut up."

_As expected, Stan passed out as soon as his head hit Cartman's pillow. Stan was nude, but the fat boy remained clad in his boxer shorts. Cartman took a few deep breaths. "I have to do this," he muttered repeatedly, psyching himself up. Cartman checked the camera one last time before crawling into bed beside Stan. He strategically placed the covers over their bodies before rolling over on top of Stan._

"_Oh God this is so gross…."_

Wendy smiled. Cartman's homophobia was appalling, but at least he was telling the truth for once.

"As sick as it makes me sometimes, I love you Cartman. I could never bring myself to actually cheat on you." Wendy assured him.

"…That's kewl." Cartman replied, which Wendy knew by now was Cartman-speak for "I love you too."

The girl spun the fat boy's computer chair around. She took a seat on Cartman's lap and began to kiss at the previous wounds she'd inflicted along his face. Cartman's hands found Wendy's waist; his lips eventually meeting hers in an understood reconciliation.

Stan and Kyle did the same. Their hands pawed at one another through their clothes as their mouths savored each other's taste. Stan pressed Kyle against the nearest wall, their tongues starting to clash now. Cartman and Wendy had established their love/hate romance long ago, but Stan and Kyle were just discovering the next phase of their relationship. Were they boyfriends now? Friends with benefits? They could talk about it and decide later on. For now, their eager bodies did all the necessary talking for them.

Cartman's hands moved inside of Wendy's shirt. She moaned in initial protest, but Cartman's fat thumbs caressing the girl's nipples made her quickly change her tune. Wendy made sure to keep her back to Stan and Kyle as her top came off. She ground her hips against Cartman, trying to maintain some level of dominance as she dictated the pacing.

Kyle and Stan's erections pressed together through their tightened jeans. The boys moaned against each other as the friction increased. They held out for as long as they could before Kyle could take no more. He shoved Stan backward; the two toppling over onto Cartman's bed. Kyle reached for his zipper, wanting to free himself from the torturous confines. Once released, he worked on helping Stanley.

Cartman noticed the guys getting hot and heavy on his mattress but was unable to voice his disapproval before his face became shoved into Wendy's heaving breasts. Cartman licked at one of her hardened nubs instinctively as Wendy's fingers found Cartman's bulge, giving him a few loving and possessive strokes.

On the bed Stan and Kyle treated the other's hard cock with similar love and passion. Their stroking methods were a bit awkward because they weren't used to touching another man, but a handjob was a handjob and each teen was more than able to enjoy the act. They moaned louder and pushed themselves into each other's hands, making the bed underneath their horny bodies shake.

Wendy forced her tit away from Cartman's suckling mouth. She looked toward the bed. Finding it occupied, she improvised. With a seductive smile Wendy made her way down onto the bedroom's floor. She pulled Cartman down on top of her via his waistband.

Stan and Kyle's pants flew over their bodies a moment later.

/

The panting, sweating teenagers dressed as quickly as possible following their respective sexual encounters. They kept their backs to one another while searching for clothes, which made the searches even more difficult. Still, it was better than trying to look each other in the eyes at the moment. The previous animosity in detention had been replaced by a feeling of mutual embarrassment. The couples now knew far too much about each other's sex lives.

"We're never speaking of this again." Cartman announced casually.

"Agreed." The other three said.

Cartman breathed a sigh of relief. "Wendy?"

"Yeah?"

"Where the hell are my pants?"

THE END

**Author's note: I know the love scene at the end was unnecessary, and perhaps even a bit of a copout. I did it that way because I felt that since this whole story was based around porn that it was appropriate to end things with a love scene while also not making it drag out too long. I hope you all agree.**


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